Parental Misdemeanors.

Right. Well. I'm trying to swear off complaining for no good reason, such as in situations where I'm not making an effort to fix whatever I'm upset about. The topic of this blog, however, is something I believe I legitmately have a right to discuss. Every single point I am about to make I have verbally delivered to my mother and/or father, and they are well aware of what I wish they would change about their parenting.

Before I list to you my grieveances, I would like to make it clear that I understand there are children with no parents, children with neglectful parents, children with parents who are drug addicts, children with parents who molest them...I am in no way, shape, or form trying to say that these issues I have are the epitome of a parenting failure. I am just saying, among us normal folks with normal parents, these seem to be the creme de la creme of the common parenting faux pas. Some will be personal, some will be general. You can probably use your intuition to decide which ones are which. Now, onward!

Trying to be the 'best friend' instead of the parent. Okay. Sometimes this rocks. Especially when you want to stay out a couple extra hours on a school night, or you want your parents to buy you some new clothes or something. My mom is a prime example of this. She doesn't want me to feel like she is inflicting too much structure on me, so she is pretty lenient when it comes to things like handing out money and car privledges and staying out late. But sometimes, she realizes that she is losing her power as a parent, and cracks the whip for minor things I do or don't do. The other day, she got infuriated with me because I told her that I spent two extra dollars on her credit card than she wanted me to. TWO DOLLARS. I think she was having a power crisis or something because she continued to tell me I wasn't allowed to buy the groceries anymore (it's not like this was my decision or anything...) and I couldn't have any money for the weekend. WHAT?

Being the best friend always leads to the parents suddenly having an epiphany of 'WAIT! I'm supposed to be telling my child what to do....crap.' Also, these types of parents always take EVERYTHING personally. Instead of realizing that teenagers are teenagers who are known for saying things like "Mom, I really don't want to take the dog on a walk today, I have homework,' they think this is a personal attack on them and that for whatever reason, you HATE them and that's why you don't want to spend time with them. Barf.

Not instructing their children to have proper excersise/nutrition habits. Okay, this is inspired by two things. One, my mom has never cooked much. We eat fast food so much I don't even want to tell you. Fortunately I don't have an obesity gene or anything, but I could be a lot skinnier if we ate healthier. Also, I'm a vegetarian, so that sucks. She also hardly ever goes grocery shopping, so I can't take charge of my own food preparation.

Two, I watched an episode of The Tyra Show today that talked about how childhood obesity is usually caused by lax parents who serve their kids junk food 24/7. Isn't the best way to show your child you love them is to make them healthy? Excersise and healthy eating isn't enforced nearly as much as it should be, in my home and elsewhere. It sickens me.

Living by the 'Do what I say, not what I do' motto. This REALLY pisses me off. Both of my parents had pre-marital sex, which resulted in the birth of moi, both of them drink, both of them smoke, and both of them swear. If I did any of these things, I would more than likely be kicked out of the house. It is SO completely hypocritical. I know they want a better life for me than they have, but honestly. They could try to be better examples and NOT do some of these things if they really want to teach me that it's wrong. If the job of a parent is to try and raise children to be responsible adults, how is restraining me from engaging in "adult" activities preparing me for that? If my dad can say fuck openly, then dammit, so can I.

Being lazy. This encompasses so many areas, but what I'm focusing on is a specific model, namely my father. He comes home from work. He complains about what a hard day he had, and then plays the one upping game with me. If I say "yeah, I have so much homework," he battles it with "yeah, well I have back pain so take THAT!' Then he lays on the couch and watches t.v. for the remainder of the night. Both parents refuse to cook dinner, take me places I need to be, or do anything remotely productive that they should, like clean around the house or fix up the yard. Oh no, that is definitely the responsibility of the children. Also, I come from a Christian home, and my faith is important to me. My parents haven't taken me to church in over a year because they stay up too late on Saturday nights drinking. You. Are. The. Parents. ACT LIKE THEM.

Okay. If I continue any further this is going to become pretty redundant. I just needed to momentarily vent about things my parents refuse to fix no matter how many times I talk to them

What are your top parental misdemeanors???

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Anxiety....Disorder?

Right. Well. This year has been an emotional rollercoaster for me, for lack of a better phrase. I haven't been on xanga in....a good six months. And I don't know if it's been because I haven't had the time, or I'm avoiding facing things that I usually would here...I don't know. I've felt very far away from a lot of the things that used to make me who I was, and looking back at all the things I've talked about here...I don't know. I'm sure at this point no one will even read or see this, and I'm okay with that. I just think that I need to start resembling who I was before all of this happened. And that is a writer, a musician, a lover. I've lost so much of that, and I need to figure out how and why and what I can do to prevent it from happening again.

And writing is what helps me sort my thoughts out, so here goes...

I think it probably has something to do with seasonal depression, but around November I began having mild anxiety attacks, or what I percieved to be anxiety attacks. Heavy breathing, palpitating heart, crying...I felt like a brick was sitting on my chest and I couldn't push it off. When they started happening, it was usually very infrequent, maybe once a month, and it would happen when I was in the midst of doing something that either stressed me out or made me hurt emotionally. I didn't see these as attacks, persay...I saw them as normal. I thought that it was just my bodies reaction to stress. But then these "attacks" started happening more frequently, and then the weirdest thing happened. They started occuring in the morning, right when I would wake up, at 6:00 am. They scared me so much that I couldn't breath AT all, I was in the fetal position on the floor, and I ended up not going to school in fear that it would continue. I couldn't even find the source or the trigger because it was the beginning of my day. Why would I be freaking out immediately when there is nothing to freak out about?

I've ended up missing somewhere between twelve to fifteen days of school because of this. Not to mention an extra four I missed due to a bad case of the flu. I've felt dejected and lonely and isolated. I've stopped doing what makes me who I am....I'm not close to God at all. I've started feeling like I'm completely alone in the world. I feel like no one truly puts me first. I spend all my time trying to make people happy and feel like I don't get anything in return. I'm never anyones number one. And I know all of these things I think and feel are completely false...but somehow I've gotten tricked into believing them.

I went to a doctor and told her about this, and without even questioning me anymore she diagnosed me with Anxiety Disorder and tried to perscribe me medicine and a phsycologist. I refused both. I'm a strong believer that, besides extreme cases, most people diagnosed with mental disorders are just experiencing things that all people go through, and then have an excuse for what they could probably control on their own. I don't want to ever rely on medication, and I already know whats wrong with me. I don't need a counselor to tell me that.

Lately a lot of shitty things have been happening that I'll probably devote an entire blog to later, but I've started to get past my attacks and have been trying to be happier with who I am. It's hard...and it was triggered by an explosion of emotions a few days ago that woke me up. But today...I ended up staying home again, due to a terrible morning. I don't know what to do to break this. I feel like it's something I can control only by going back to my roots and making sure that I don't let myself do the same things I've been doing all year.

I need to find who I love to be....who I want to be. Who I need to be.

If you love someone, you don't let them go.

I've been struggling a lot with certain places and themes that reoccur in the bible lately. First, let me explain to you what love means to me.

Love means that you care about someone so intensely that you would never intentionally put them in a situation where they could be harmed. Love means that you care about all that person is, and all that they will be, and all that they ever were. Love means that even if you disapprove of what that person is doing/saying, you stick by their side and don't give up on them. I don't take love lightly, obviously. I feel that love is a very strong emotion and if you say it to me you damn well better mean it. Love should be unconditional if it is true.

Anyways, going off of my definition of love, it seems that God is lacking. Quite frequently. He's supposed to be the author of love...he loves every single one of his creations equally, it says so in his word. And I believe this whole heartedly. But other things that are written contradict this, and I have to wonder if what I feel love is is really what love is supposed to mean. Starting simply, I've never quite gotten why the rest of the world had to take the burden for what idiots Adam and Eve originally did. Why did I have to automatically be a sinner when I was born because Eve took a bite out of that apple? Why did God choose to seperate himself from his creations completely because two of them made gigantic mistakes? Sure, he did know that his future creations would screw up too, because he is all knowing, but why even bother creating us then? Is it because he loved us so much without even knowing us yet? Well that leads me in to my most current struggle....

Romans 9. Specifically verse 18 of Romans 9. " Therefore, God has mercy on whomever he chooses, and he hardens the heart of whomever he chooses." This very clearly states that God saves who he chooses, and rejects those who he doesn't. This brings me back to Calvinism, and pre-destination, which I've always believed to be false. I mean, God gave us free will, he says it in his word. So how come he has mercy on only those who he chooses and hardens who he wants? Doesn't that mean he decides who gets to come into his heaven? But that makes no sense....because he lets us find him, and Christ died to save all. But this verse makes me think that God just closes himself off completely from those that he knows won't accept him. But if God loved all of his creations equally, wouldn't he constantly keep himself present in each life, just to give them the chance to know him? Why would he harden anyone? It is so hard for me to comprehend this.

I have much more I'd like to express on the topic, but I have to go to an open mic performance at my school. Please tell me what you think about this...I really need some answers. Also, I will be gone all of this weekend, so read some old posts if you like what I have to say!

Immorality and Substances.

I've been struggling with what is acceptable and what is not a lot lately. Specifically when it comes to habits we humans have developed, like drinking, smoking, etc. I can't come to terms with these things whatsoever. For so long, up until about last year, I was one of those kids who saw my parents drinking and smoking and was absolutely disgusted by it. I swore I would never do that, and my heart would literally break in two everytime one of my friends would post pictures of themselves wasted on myspace. (Which is ALWAYS a trashy, shady thing to do, no matter how you feel about these things. Just in case you weren't aware. I'll get off my pedestal now.) Anyways, over the past year or so, I've gained perspective on a lot of things, and have become a more accepting person all around. I accept different lifestyles and opinions and beliefs more than I ever did. Thankfully, I didn't loose many of my core values through this process, and still live for God.

I have been experimenting with certain things though. I've smoked cigarettes or Black and Milds or something of the sort on several occasions, and have drank a bit here and there. This weekend my friend Maddie is having a big party with her brother, and I'm going. When I'm actually doing whatever I'm doing, I see nothing wrong with it, and don't feel guilty at all. It's when I'm contemplating things later on that I start questioning.

First of all, whenever I do these things it's usually premeditated. I know it's going to happen before it does, but I don't try to stop it. So much of me is curious about the world and things that most people do, and I actually enjoy it, you know? But I can't help wondering if God approves. Especially if I plan out what I'm doing...isn't that even worse than just doing something spur of the moment? Gah.

Secondly, I'm pretty positive God wants me to follow the law. But wouldn't going a little bit over the speed limit be the same thing as drinking in God's eyes? Or not? How can I be sure of what he would want me to do in this situation if he doesn't tell me straight out?

Also, I wonder about WHY people drink or smoke in the first place. Sure, drinking and getting drunk or getting high can be fun. But honestly, why can't we find other alternatives to fun? I'm not saying I don't enjoy these things like a lot of people do, I just don't understand why it was ever invented in the first place. Also, why is smoking things that have no effect on you EVER fun? Why do people do it?

Anyways, I really just want consolation and advice. I know that I'm not acting under peer pressure, because I take full responsibility for all of my decisions. I've always been the one to initiate anything I've done. I just don't know the level of immorality I'm partaking in, and it would be nice to hear some other opinions, Christian or non.  

I want to be a good influence and show God's grace and love no matter where I'm at in my life. I just don't know the limits of what wordly things I can be doing while also being a good Christian.

Currently Listening I Will By MoZella Light Years Away see related

Three Happy Cows

I've been on a bit of a nutrition kick these past couple of weeks, and being a vegetarian obviously this has a LOT to do with eating more protein and being healthier. Along with this, I've been getting asked quite frequently why I'm a vegetarian. So I wanted to constructively sort out my thoughts and beliefs on the matter here of course! I did it essay form though, so hopefully it won't be too boring to read.

Everyone has that one unique belief that sets them apart from the rest of their world. For some, this may be the belief that all life started from one tiny particle floating in space. For others, it may be in the power of the supernatural. For me, it is believing that animals were created to be loved, not eaten. This singular sentence automatically derives a new meaning in most minds: vegetarian. Yet from my past year of experience, there are not many who truly understand and respect just what a vegetarian lifestyle is. I haven’t yet met a meat eater who has come to empathize completely with this part of who I am. There is so much more that comes with stopping the consumption of animals that it is time people began to understand.

                The most common question that I am asked is “Why did you decide to do this?” I can explain this quite simply in a quick story. About ten months ago, right after Christmas, I sat in my living room watching my dog Chip wag his tail merrily while my parents, brother and I drank our hot chocolate by the Christmas tree. I walked over to my dog and began to pet him. His mouth hung open into what almost resembled a smile, and he rolled over onto his stomach so that I could scratch it for him. I did for a moment, and when I stopped he crawled over and rested his head on my leg to sleep for a bit while the family watched a movie. In this one innocent action, I came to realize that my dog could display emotions such as love and happiness just as I could. I could never harm him, just as I then accepted I could never harm another animal myself either. Right then, the desire to eat meat left me for good. I made it my New Year’s resolution to become a vegetarian.

                Although this story doesn’t explain much in the realm of nutritional value or core beliefs, it does illustrate the feeling my heart gets whenever I see a peaceful cow or pig at a fair and realize that it is soon to be slaughtered. I cannot stand to see the world think so nonchalantly about consuming things that were once living, breathing, moving, and feeling just like we are. I wouldn’t want a foreign alien species to come and begin to herd and eat me, so why should I do the same to the animals who occupy more of this earth than I do? In becoming a vegetarian, my family ends up buying three whole cows less beef every year than they usually would. This is only one statistic out of many. I feel as though I am saving lives, no matter how few. This is the pivotal reason I changed my diet, yet of course I have researched the matter thoroughly and have other answers prepared to give when people ask me “Why?”

                Usually the “Why?” is accompanied with something along the lines of “Don’t you get enough protein?” My answer typically contains a sigh and then I delve straight into the explanation of the food pyramid. The triangle is not really a meat triangle. It is a protein triangle. This includes foods such as eggs, beans, nuts, and green leafy vegetables as well as meats. Also, it has been scientifically proven that the nutrients found in these four sources are more beneficial than those found in meat, because not only do they contain protein but they also hold other vitamins and minerals essential to human function. I eat these daily, and so I am just as healthy as someone who eats chicken breast every night for dinner. Biologically, some scientists will agree that the construction of our jaws and teeth are not made in the way that most carnivorous animal’s jaws are. We have flat, rounded molars, whilst carnivores have a full set of pointed teeth specifically designed for tearing meat. Also, our stomachs and digestive systems do not produce the same acids used in carnivores to digest meat more efficiently. Our bodies cannot immediately digest meat as it can vegetables and grains, and so meat sits in our stomachs until it rots into small enough pieces to pass through our intestines. I don’t exactly appreciate the idea of rotting flesh sitting in my stomach.

                Since becoming a vegetarian, I have felt like I was doing more for the environment that I had been previously. I have become nutritionally healthier and thus motivated to exercise more than I had been before. I’m now more motivated and aware of the rest of the world than I had previously been, because believing in one form of activism led me towards interests in others. I have felt like a kinder and gentler person, and this caused my self confidence to rise. I know this seems like an exaggerated list just from becoming a vegetarian one New Year’s, but it is all true. I know that eating meat has become an integral part of our society, and I also know that I will never be able to get the rest of the world to see things from my perspective and agree with me. Yet I do know that compassionate people are willing to hear other’s sides of the story, and so I am spreading mine as far and wide as I can, in the hopes of saving a few happy cows.

Also, thanks to all the great people who have left me super comments this past week! I appreciate your support so much!