Currently Juno By Original Soundtrack Tire Swing see related

Right. Well. This year has been an emotional rollercoaster for me, for lack of a better phrase. I haven't been on xanga in....a good six months. And I don't know if it's been because I haven't had the time, or I'm avoiding facing things that I usually would here...I don't know. I've felt very far away from a lot of the things that used to make me who I was, and looking back at all the things I've talked about here...I don't know. I'm sure at this point no one will even read or see this, and I'm okay with that. I just think that I need to start resembling who I was before all of this happened. And that is a writer, a musician, a lover. I've lost so much of that, and I need to figure out how and why and what I can do to prevent it from happening again.

And writing is what helps me sort my thoughts out, so here goes...

I think it probably has something to do with seasonal depression, but around November I began having mild anxiety attacks, or what I percieved to be anxiety attacks. Heavy breathing, palpitating heart, crying...I felt like a brick was sitting on my chest and I couldn't push it off. When they started happening, it was usually very infrequent, maybe once a month, and it would happen when I was in the midst of doing something that either stressed me out or made me hurt emotionally. I didn't see these as attacks, persay...I saw them as normal. I thought that it was just my bodies reaction to stress. But then these "attacks" started happening more frequently, and then the weirdest thing happened. They started occuring in the morning, right when I would wake up, at 6:00 am. They scared me so much that I couldn't breath AT all, I was in the fetal position on the floor, and I ended up not going to school in fear that it would continue. I couldn't even find the source or the trigger because it was the beginning of my day. Why would I be freaking out immediately when there is nothing to freak out about?

I've ended up missing somewhere between twelve to fifteen days of school because of this. Not to mention an extra four I missed due to a bad case of the flu. I've felt dejected and lonely and isolated. I've stopped doing what makes me who I am....I'm not close to God at all. I've started feeling like I'm completely alone in the world. I feel like no one truly puts me first. I spend all my time trying to make people happy and feel like I don't get anything in return. I'm never anyones number one. And I know all of these things I think and feel are completely false...but somehow I've gotten tricked into believing them.

I went to a doctor and told her about this, and without even questioning me anymore she diagnosed me with Anxiety Disorder and tried to perscribe me medicine and a phsycologist. I refused both. I'm a strong believer that, besides extreme cases, most people diagnosed with mental disorders are just experiencing things that all people go through, and then have an excuse for what they could probably control on their own. I don't want to ever rely on medication, and I already know whats wrong with me. I don't need a counselor to tell me that.

Lately a lot of shitty things have been happening that I'll probably devote an entire blog to later, but I've started to get past my attacks and have been trying to be happier with who I am. It's hard...and it was triggered by an explosion of emotions a few days ago that woke me up. But today...I ended up staying home again, due to a terrible morning. I don't know what to do to break this. I feel like it's something I can control only by going back to my roots and making sure that I don't let myself do the same things I've been doing all year.

I need to find who I love to be....who I want to be. Who I need to be.